The Jungle That Is Touou's Basketball
by Tokumei-san
Summary: Touou's basketball club has never been so hard to deal with, especially now that Imayoshi is the captain and actually has to DO things to ensure that they can present themselves as a team. And Susa isn't exactly helpful either. The hilarity was supposed to ensue, but it seems to have run off somewhere else. Drabbles.
1. I-IV

**Title: The Jungle That Is Touou's Basketball**

**Rating: T, for strong language, but generally K+**

**Genre: Humor/Friendship (No matter how adverse Imayoshi is to it)**

**Pairings: ImaSaku, if you squint- later**

**Warnings: Touou not quite as brutal as it is depicted canonly, and Imayoshi is much less evil. My apologies. Drabbles. Very minor yaoi, but consider yourself warned anyway, back button just a click away.**

**x.x.x.x**

Where the strong gather, and band together, and set out to tear their prey apart, cruelly, slowly, gleefully. There is no mercy in this group of predators, and only the knowledge that working at the same time at the same target keeps them from ripping each other apart too.

That is the legacy of Touou Academy's basketball team.

That is what Imayoshi Shoichi expects his team to be.

x.x.x.x

_I. And it just goes to show that ya all better be careful what ya wish for. And that ya wishes never go the way ya want it to go._

The starters in Imayoshi's first and last year of captaincy are nothing short of disappointing.

Take Aomine, for instance. He expects selfishness on the part of all the basketball team members, especially for the starters- that he can deal with- but he expects them to at least _show up_ to the fucking matches, damn it.

The new manager is also absolutely useless. She would have worked better at scouting or being the assistant coach, even, but not the manager. Imayoshi was getting sick of seeing his jersey starched and the second string players down with food poisoning.

And don't even get him started on Sakurai and Wakamatsu. Don't. Seeing them end up in apologetic tears and tantrums every single day and having to deal with it is trouble enough.

Imayoshi does not expect sunshine and rainbows, certainly, but he needs them to be at least amiable to each other.

"It wouldn't do to have 'em end up squabbling during a game, would it?" he consults Susa just after the first meeting of the basketball club of the year.

Susa just smiles and throws him a towel.

_II. Use whatever means ya can think of to stop them making a ruckus in the gym before the PE teach comes in and bites ya head off for not keeping the team under control._

Aomine is lazing about on the stage reading porn at morning practice.

Wakamatsu is being held back by Susa and is currently screaming the house down.

Sakurai is still apologizing.

The benchwarmers are watching the starters and the first string is watching the benchwarmers and the second string have a cards tournament set up in a corner.

No one is practicing or even warming up and the racket they are producing is remarkable for people who are doing nothing.

Imayoshi hops onto the stage and purposefully launches a basketball with as much force as he can muster towards the gym floor and the entire gym falls silent at the sound.

"If ya all don't get a move on and start on the running drills," Imayoshi calls cheerfully, with a dangerously wide smirk on his face and a near murderous glint in his eyes, "I'll _literally fuck your miserable asses into the ground like __**so**_, got it?"

No one doubted that he wouldn't carry out his promise, not even Aomine.

Especially when Imayoshi grabbed an unsuspecting but still remorseful Sakurai and kissed him roughly on the lips for a full fifteen seconds just to prove his point.

_III. A sobbing Sakurai is an apologizing Sakurai is a useless Sakurai is a Sakurai that needs to be stopped, __**quickly**__, before he annoys the heck out of ya or makes ya end up apologizing to him._

Sakurai is so much of an excessive apologizer that Imayoshi occasionally finds himself apologizing along with him, just to get him to stop that flow of remorse, but of course it never works and eventually he finds himself caught up in the waves of Sakurai's words and sometimes, the abject tears trickling down his face.

Like that time when Aomine ate Sakurai's lunch.

And that time when Wakamatsu tripped next to him.

And those times when Aomine doesn't come to practice.

And those times when Imayoshi irately tells him to stop being sorry.

Susa, who seems to be able to avoid trouble like the south poles of a magnet avoid each other, just smiles at him and goes off to practice his footwork.

Imayoshi had never wanted so much to swear at him as he racks his brain for ways of getting Sakurai to stop the constant tirade of 'sorry' rolling out of his mouth.

He decides that he fails after five minutes and cheerfully directs Sakurai to five times the normal amount of shooting practice.

_IV. The easiest way to get Wakamatsu to stop yelling at Aomine and disrupting practice is to play on the hierarchy of the Touou basketball club. Namely, apologize to him on behalf of anyone who was unlucky enough to anger him. Only if ya are senior to him though._

There are a million ways to blow Wakamatsu up, but the simplest way would be nicking his pride as a senior.

Aomine, of course, shoots a bazooka through that pride every single time Wakamatsu see him, just by being himself.

So when Imayoshi sees Wakamatsu open his mouth and ready himself for an ear-piercing yell, he sticks an apologetic grin on his face and says sorry before Sakurai does it for him and makes the apology stretch into a full blown, tear-ridden confession about his apparent inability to do anything.

Wakamatsu does not understand why Imayoshi would deign to apologize to him.

"It isn't your fault, Captain, it's that bastard Ahomine's fault-"

Imayoshi knows. Of course he knows. He's not an airhead, no matter what his female underclassmen seem to think.

He just thinks that forgoing his pride as a senior is much more preferable than listening to that moron Wakamatsu rant to Aomine for another thirty minutes.

x.x.x.x

**A/N: The second installment comes as soon as I know what you think about this, which means- you know what I mean :D**

**KnB not mine, book cover found in pixiv.**


	2. V-VIII

**Title: The Jungle That Is Touou's Basketball**

**Rating: T, for strong language, but generally K+**

**Genre: Humor/Friendship (No matter how adverse Imayoshi is to it)**

**Pairings: N/A**

**Warnings: Touou not quite as brutal as it is depicted canonly, and Imayoshi is much less evil. My apologies. Drabbles. Very minor yaoi, but consider yourself warned anyway, back button just a click away.**

**x.x.x.x**

_V. Momoi tends to attract a legion of admirers. The fastest way to get practice started is to drape yourself threateningly on the doorframe and tell 'em to clear off._

Asking Wakamatsu to pretend to be her boyfriend works pretty well too, if Imayoshi could get him to do it. When he refuses, which is every single time, he mutters an 'excuse me' to Momoi and places a hand, meant to be protective, over her shoulder.

"If ya all don't mind, fellas…" his tone trails off into nothing but the unspoken warning is heard anyway. The stalkers clear off and Imayoshi makes sure they are well out of sight before he murmurs another apology to Momoi, who smiles brightly and thanks him for his trouble, and goes back inside the gym.

It is purely a bad coincidence that Aomine comes to the gym just in time to catch Imayoshi with his hand still on Momoi's shoulder, and that when Imayoshi apologizes for the second time, his face is perhaps a little too close to Momoi's ear, and that he throws Aomine a half-smile that could be mistaken as a smirk before he heads inside.

Therefore he is not responsible for convincing a watchful Aomine to chaperone Momoi to morning practice and afternoon practice for the following week.

_VI. And so do Aomine and Sakurai, apparently. Sometimes the amount of fangirls that turn up manage to swallow up the population of Momoi fanboys._

"It's a bit sad, actually," Susa mumbles in an undertone while he and Imayoshi (Wakamatsu is trying to jerk his shirt off his body without unbuttoning it in the locker rooms) watch the second string trying to bar the squealing girls from entering the gym, a task made harder by the absurd number of entrances into the venue.

"What is?" he asks.

"The fact that even a jerk like Aomine has a fanclub and we don't." Susa glares wistfully at Aomine who is nonchalantly talking to Momoi in a thankfully secluded corner of the stage. "You'd think that all the starters'd at least have one."

"And ya aren't complaining about little Sakurai, because…?"

"Oh, Sakurai." Susa shrugs. "Girls love wimpy, cute boys nowadays. Much more normal then Aomine's following at any rate."

Imayoshi listens and privately decides it's a good idea not to tell Susa that he bought an electronic paper shredder for the express purpose of shredding the confessions he gets in his shoe locker every day.

_VII. It's often important to have the contact numbers of the captains of other school teams. Especially when the old teammates of ya ace's old school have the tendency of spiriting ya ace away._

That Kise guy, for instance. The blond shows up at the gym in a shower of sparkling charm and puppy-like adoration every other week and drags either Momoi or Aomine out.

"Play one-on-one with me, Aominecchi?" the question is always the same every time if he spots Aomine and Aomine's reaction is always an indifferent grunt before he slouches out of the gym, pulled along by a chattering Kise.

Imayoshi feels like skewering the blond on a blunt metal pole- he absolutely does not know how hard it is to get Aomine to show up to practice.

So Susa watches, slightly apprehensively, as Imayoshi whips out his cell and dials a number with an increasingly evil grin on his face.

Forty odd minutes later Kasamatsu of Kaijou tows a whining Kise and still indifferent Aomine into the gym, apologizes brusquely for the intrusion, kicks Kise on the ass twice or thrice, and leaves.

"And where d'you get _Kasamatsu's_ number, exactly?" Susa asks him, almost amused.

"Momoi-chan," Imayoshi replies as if it were perfectly obvious.

And it is, actually, but Susa asks just for the sake of it.

_VIII. Honey-soaked lemons have a mysterious healing effect on tired players. Make sure that they were made by Sakurai, though._

When Imayoshi returns from his trip to the vending machine and tosses a bottle of Pocari to Wakamatsu, he's surprised to find him energetically yelling advice at two first string members. When he left Wakamatsu was a limp pile of flesh and muscles on the polished floor, courtesy of a particularly brutal training session.

He rescues the first stringers by directing them towards the dribbling drills (the two boys groan but amble over nonetheless) and gives Wakamatsu a casual once-over.

"You look energetic," he comments slyly, and watches with endless amusement as Wakamatsu's eyes dart, terrified, to the left where the footwork drills were going on.

His answer is still as blunt as ever, though. "Sakurai," he says loudly, jerking his chin over his shoulder, and Imayoshi dodges behind him to find Sakurai handing out honey-soaked lemons in small boxes to everyone.

"Sakurai," he asks because he missed the chance to try them last time, at their match with Seirin, "is there any left?" and watches with an impending sense of déjà vu as Susa throws him a foxy grin as he takes a box of honey-soaked lemon.

Sakurai looks behind him, in front of him, next to him, at his hands. "I'm sorry, Captain," he smiles apologetically and shamefacedly, "it's all gone."

x.x.x.x

**A/N: I have evolved from living on reviews to living on air, but give me some reviews anyway.**

**KnB not mine.**


	3. IX-XII

**Title: The Jungle That Is Touou's Basketball**

**Rating: T, for strong language, but generally K+**

**Genre: Humor/Friendship (No matter how adverse Imayoshi is to it)**

**Pairings: AoWaka, if you squint very hard. Or maybe it's just bromance.**

**Warnings: Touou not quite as brutal as it is depicted canonly, and Imayoshi is much less evil. My apologies. Drabbles. Very minor yaoi, but consider yourself warned anyway, back button just a click away.**

**x.x.x.x**

_IV. If Wakamatsu doesn't show up for practice, then he's got a good reason for it._

He doesn't show up for three days, in fact, and Imayoshi was beginning to wonder if the loud-mouthed second year had finally burst his coronary arteries. But he says nothing and does nothing, except for cheerfully switching a benchwarmer to the center position.

"You aren't going to look for Wakamatsu?" Susa mutters to him on the fourth day of Wakamatsu's absence.

Imayoshi fixes the small forward with one of his deceitfully blank looks. "The team works better without him," he points out.

On some accounts he's right, Susa thinks. The less raucous gym does have a higher efficiency now that one of the main sources of trouble is gone. Sakurai is less apologetic, and Aomine could be persuaded to tutor some second string players on shooting. For one time.

He tries once more anyway. "Wakamatsu, the person who shows up _at least_ half an hour early to practice, and leaves _at least_ an hour later after practice if he can, is absent for practice for four days without informing _anyone_ why."

The blank look remains, and Susa wonders why he even bothered asking Imayoshi. He's known for three years that the captain rarely cared for teammates- only the team itself.

He tries going to Sakurai instead.

"Ah, I'm sorry. Imayoshi-_sempai_ didn't tell you?"

That stopped Susa in his tracks. "Imayoshi tell me what?"

"Wakamatsu- _sempai_'s older sister got injured in a car accident. He's been looking after her for the last three days." Sakurai replies. "I'm sorry for not informing _sempai_ earlier," he throws in for good measure.

Susa's jaw practically dropped onto the ground. So there was a reason. "And who told you that?"

Sakurai looked apologetic. Well, even more apologetic. "I'm sorry for not making this clearer, Susa-_sempai_, it was I-"

"Sa-ku-raaai-kuuun~" Imayoshi's voice came, sickeningly sweet, from behind Susa. "What did I tell you?"

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" Sakurai got into a dogeza, his body quivering. "I'm sorry for forgetting what _sempai_ told me!"

Susa turned around slowly. "And who else knows, Imayoshi?"

"Know what?"

"About Wakamatsu's problem."

"The starters except you, the benchwarmers, the first string, the coach, and-" Imayoshi counted on his fingers, "around eighty percent of the second-"

Only the fact that they were going to play a practice game later in the day kept Susa from strangling Imayoshi. He settled for taking a page out of the Kaijou captain's book and kicked him in the back instead.

_X. Just because Aomine acts like an idiot and would've flunked a lot of his subjects if not for Momoi-chan doesn't mean he's a complete moron._

After that incident, Imayoshi sees Aomine slip into Wakamatsu's classroom in the morning, ushered in daily at first by a nagging Momoi-chan, and then eventually by himself, and then slip out as quickly as he had came.

Curious, he sidles into the classroom after he makes sure that there's no one in the close vicinity, and makes a beeline to Wakamatsu's desk. It isn't too hard to find- it's the only desk with something on it. (The seating chart at the teacher's desk also helped immensely.)

It was always some small gift or another- at first it was something carefully thought out, like a bottle of milk or some convenience-store bought _onigiri_, calculated to be useful to Wakamatsu no matter the circumstances, and Imayoshi had no doubt that it was Momoi-chan who was trying to express her concern.

But then the gift-giving became irregular, and the presents ran more along the lines of something one would pick out randomly- a melting popsicle, for example, or a box of sticking plasters, and once a magazine featuring Horikita Mai, and Imayoshi realizes that that was Aomine's own way of trying to comfort Wakamatsu.

So he informs Wakamatsu of his complete lack of knowledge regarding the porn the furious blond found on his table when he runs to ask Imayoshi about it.

_XI. Little Sakurai, unexpectedly, is responsible for most of the yaoi doujins floating around the school and most of the ever-increasing yaoi fangirls that are fixated with the basketball club._

It all happened, one day, when an excited underclassman asked Imayoshi about his relationship with Aomine.

"Aomine? We're teammates." There was something off with the question, Imayoshi decides. "Why?"

The girl cheerfully shows him a _doujin_ with him and Aomine intertwined in a very compromising position on a bed of roses on the cover.

"The artist says that he got inspiration from his basketball team, _sempai_," the underclassman giggled. "So, are you- you know-"

Imayoshi ignores her readily and searches for the artist's name, which reads 'Yoshii'. "And would ya mind telling me, about this 'Yoshii'…"

"Oh, Yoshii-san? He's drawn- Hikari-chan, how many has he drawn?"

"Six _doujins_, twenty something mini _doujins_ and-" the kanji of the artist's name feels tantalizingly familiar, "-I don't know, he must be up to a hundred in four-pane comic strips by now, _sempai_, if you're talking about his works that're about the basketball club," a slightly smaller girl piped up. "And he's also got a few on the tennis-"

"That's enough, thanks," Imayoshi cuts in, and runs off to confront his suspect.

"Sakurai," he pants, when he finally found the brunet changing in the locker rooms, "What makes ya think that Aomine and-"

"I'm sorry- you aren't?" Sakurai, for once, has another expression on his face besides abject repentance.

"We _aren't_." Imayoshi tries to inject as much feeling as possible into those two words. Just so Sakurai knows.

"But, captain- I'm really sorry about this all- but-" the shock must've blown a lot of the apologies right out of him, Imayoshi thinks, "-weren't you trying to make Aomine-kun jealous, that time, with Momoi-san…" Sakurai makes a vague gesture towards the exit of the gym, "-that fanboy thing-"

"_No, _I wasn't! Ya apologies sap ya brain power or something?" Imayoshi blushes uncharacteristically and yells, perhaps a bit too loudly, for Sakurai begins his requisite ritual of apologies promptly.

And Imayoshi, while wondering just how did Sakurai dream up so many plots about him and Aomine, draws up a mental plan of extorting a half of Sakurai's profits from his _doujins_ for the basketball club.

_XII. Never, ever, __**ever**__ if you value your gym and your campus invite Seirin to a practice match at your school._

It all starts when Momoi-chan tows a cat-eyed boy and that eagle-eyed point guard from Seirin in.

"What's that, Momoi-chan?" Imayoshi points at the shaking cat boy on the ground and the glaring point guard.

"Koganei Shinji-kun and Izuki Shun-kun from Seirin, _sempai_—you've met them before.

Imayoshi's mind rewinds to the time before their match with Seirin and picks up on two photos of the second years in Momoi's report. "Oh, right. And whaddya want?" he leers at the cat eyed boy and he squeaks.

"Um… er, Kagami wants a one-on-one rematch with Aomine, Imayoshi-san, sir," Koganei squeals.

"Not interested," Aomine's drawl comes from behind him and Imayoshi wonders if he was dreaming- Aomine's at practice?

"He refuses to take no for an answer, Imayoshi," Izuki cuts in.

"Er… should I arrange for a practice match instead?" Momoi's voice this time, also from behind him.

Agreeing because he didn't want to think about it was the worst choice in his career as Touou's captain.

Kagami broke the hoop in the first quarter, followed by Aomine two minutes later, and after they switched to another gym that cat boy hit his nose hard on one of the posts when Aomine fouled him while trying to get a shot in. The result was that the pole got blood in a neat line right where the player slumped down it and when they finally decide whether they will continue the match a teacher runs in and yells at Imayoshi for not keeping the manager under control-

"Momoi-chan?" Imayoshi looked around for the pink-haired girl but she was nowhere to be seen. That's odd, he thinks.

It's not so odd and more irritating when the two girls trek in, giggling obliviously and both with a box of what looked like cinders and smelled like burnt sugar in hand.

x.x.x.x

**A/N: Disclaimer, Kuroko no Basuke not mine.**

**(Has tried to keep everyone in character but has failed miserably)Please let me know what you think. Via reviews, please.**


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